Friday, December 14, 2007

No one tells you how to do this...

I'm realizing there is no instruction manual for any of this. How silly is that?

I was talking to the priest who said the Mass and Rosary for us for Thomas about how there is no book that you refer to for any of this. I'm sure they are out there for training purposes for clerics and those in funeral homes, etc. But us normal people go about our lives not thinking about any of this, I think #1 because we don't want to have to and #2 because it's all scary and the emotional crap that comes with it all doesn't make any sense. Grief does crazy things to you. At least it's making me think crazy things. Like yesterday I was thinking, "Well now I can go to school or get a job or blah blah blah..." And then I got mad at myself for thinking those things. I had an internal struggle with everything. Guilt over thinking about the fact that life goes on, and will have to go on without our little boy. I can't stop living. I can't stop living because he's not here with my physically. But the thought of going forward is scary and painful, and yet I still have to do it. And it's ok. And it's good. And my family needs me to do that. But I still get mad about it.

There is guilt over so many things. Things I never had any control over. Things that are clearly not my fault. But the guilt still lies there. It's making me come out of myself though, which is good because I look into my kids faces and see how much they need me and how much Kevin needs me and I try harder to be a better wife and mom, even if just a moment is all I can manage. Maybe that's the perfectionist in me too. No matter what it is...having those other faces looking at me for answers helps to let go of some of the guilt because they accept me for who I am, faults and all. It's good to be loved.

I worry about Anthony. I am so scared that I will say something wrong, in my delirium, that will hurt him in some way. So I keep checking with Kevin before I give him answers to questions. Like this evening when I tucked him in bed he asked me if we had buried Thomas yet. We had him cremated and we're making arrangements to have him interred with my grandfather. For now his little urn is here with us in a safe place where it can't be found by the kids. I didn't want to tell a lie. I didn't want to have to explain to him that the urn is here in the house. Or what cremation was. So I just told him he's safe with Jesus in Heaven....And then I ran downstairs and asked Kevin if I had done the right thing. If he asks again we decided that we'll just say yes. He keeps asking the same questions over and over. It's very hard to have to answer them again and again. Sometimes I just have to walk away and let someone answer him. Like the numerous times a day when he asks when we will be bringing him home. It kills me.

On a side note of having to deal with the reality of everything...I had my follow up with my doctor today. After an ultra-sound we found that I still have some placenta left attached inside that is causing me to bleed still and explains the cramping and painful contractions...We're trying medication over the weekend which God-willing will take care of things. Otherwise I will have to go in for a D&C on Monday. Everyone's prayers would be appreciated.

My love to you all.

1 comment:

Susan said...

I'll keep you in my prayers, sweetie, and will say a rosary for your little angel. (hugs)