Tuesday, December 18, 2007

It's so quiet! And things are weird.

My mom went back home yesterday along with my brothers that came down with her. My dad and my other brother and my sister went home the day after the funeral. Kevin went back to work today. Anthony sat at the computer playing games because his best friend next door moved today back to New York and I couldn't get him to go outside. Anneliese kept herself busy most of the day, and napped alone. It's all very strange and quiet.

Lots of changes.

Anneliese is sleeping in her own bed. She's also not nursing anymore. I decided that with Thomas' birth I just couldn't do her anymore the way it had been going. I was petrified that my milk would come in, for one, and she was basically just nursing for comfort. So she hasn't nursed for a couple of weeks now. She still asks when she is tired, but she'll drink some water out of a bottle. And she fell asleep last night with me lying next to her for just a few minutes. The bed seems so big now!

I look unusually un-pregnant. You probably couldn't even tell looking at me that I just gave birth to a baby. It's very strange. And now since I've been on this medication since last Friday I've been vomiting quite a bit with no appetite, so the weight has gone down significantly. My hormones still are telling me that I'm pregnant...I wake up hungry in the night sometimes, and my nose is still really sensitive to smell. Crazy crazy. Thankfully the med's are doing their job, though, and I won't need the D&C. Hopefully. I check in with the doctor again on Friday.

Kevin didn't go back in to work until noon today and he seemed pained when he said he really didn't want to go. Then when he came home he said that he hated leaving me alone all day. I felt bad. He commented on how sick I look. I've been trying to be a good sport about it all, and not seem like a burden so much. I feel like I've just lived in bed since everything happened. But I feel really sick still, and even though I'm not feeling so much pain it's still really hard to be on my feet for too long. We ate eggs for dinner-- I couldn't get myself up to go to the store. Aside from feeling ill I'm paranoid of seeing babies. They seem to be everywhere at the commissary...and I just can't handle it. It's this love/hate thing, of wanting to go over and just pick one up and snuggle it...and wanting to run the other way. I'm sure it will get easier with time.

Sometimes everything just seems like a dream.

Last night we got a phone call from the Deacon at our parish. Apparently he also works here on base. He left info with Kevin about the group that meets here on base for bereaved parents. And invited us to the one at the parish as well. It was very kind of him. He spoke with the priest who did the Mass and rosary for us and word just traveled from there. Everyone has been very kind. Even the parish priest came by after the Mass and rosary to offer any help I might need while Kevin is gone. I'm not feeling so alone with all this kindness.

Anthony keeps telling me funny things. Like he wants to change his name when he grows up. I said,"Really? You don't like your name?" And he said, "I think Ed is good." Alrighty then. I have no idea where he comes up with these things, but it's funny. He cheers me up.

I hope everyone is well. Take care.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking "Ed" is a great name if he has to change. :-) Aren't they great!? I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so ill. I'm thinking of you everyday, everyday, everyday! It DOES get easier, but you never forget and there's always a special place for that little person. I always say that I can't wait to get to Heaven to meet my little guy that we named Samuel. Even Arianna talks about meeting him someday. It just all proves that babies are an incredible miracle and that they change the world even if they were never able to take a step or say their first words. I'll keep praying, but give the grieving process time.

love to you and the family,