Thursday, June 10, 2010

Results

As my four year old would say, "I didn't see that coming!" We walk through our life as if we are invincible, but we're not. We're very fragile actually.

My biopsy results concluded that the mass in my thyroid is malignant. In the not too distant future I will have surgery and it will be removed. We're not sure yet what kind it is, or when surgery will be. Next week I go back for some blood work and to go over everything.

I'm not sure it has really hit me yet. There has been a vast array of emotions pouring through me and I haven't quite made sense of it all yet.

Shock: I originally went to the doctor for treatment for strep. I didn't sign up for some possibly life threatening disease. It's not the sort of phone call you expect. Rather I was expecting, "Everything turned out ok with the biopsy. Here is some more medication. See you at your next appointment." I feel, at times, completely detached from this odd situation.

Anger: "What the *bleep*?! I've been to the doctor like a hundred times since February and they didn't have a clue till now?! It took them this long to figure this out?!"

And also anger with people. What comes to mind is..."My whole life you've pretty much ignored me and now you want to act like you care? You don't even know me!" It's been a lesson in letting people in and letting people deal with it in their own way. Ultimately who am I to say "You can't care!". And, in the long run, perhaps their prayers offered will be answered and bring them to a fuller spiritual life.

Acceptance: I can't change it, so I might as well accept it. And I trust God is going to take care of me so I don't need to worry. But sometimes in my logical mind I believe I might just be in denial. I feel more sorry for those around me than I do for myself. I made my mom fly out here from California to help me. And my brothers. And they are all stressed out. And my husband is being sent home early from deployment and so he'll miss a possible stop at the Vatican that I really wanted for him. What goes on in my head is "Can't we just go on with life like nothing is different? It'll be like a dental appointment--possibly scary and uncomfortable, but then life will be back to normal again."

It's a mish-mash of crazy emotion. I'm sure it'll sort it's self out with time.

2 comments:

The Mavys said...

Love you, Celeste.

Susan said...

I can only imagine the flood of emotion you are feeling. I'm praying for you, and your family. Stay strong, but remember, it's okay to fall every so often.