It's 3AM and I can't sleep. So I'm sitting here contemplating things and reading some books and doing some self examination.
Two vices seemed to snatch me up and grip my puppet strings lately. Truly, the idea of them being a problem had not really crossed my mind until recently. You read about them, you don't experience them, right? Wrong!
My goal--> Sit quietly before my good Jesus and beg His help! Let me explain.
I like to make stuff, create stuff. That in and of its self isn't bad. But what is bad is my irritation and jealousy towards my friends who have the time and help to be able to do those things and succeed at them. In my few free minutes the other day I was visiting blogs and looking over some friends projects and honest to goodness feeling envy, and jealousy, and then I found my self feeling irritated and annoyed with them for being able to do something that I wanted so badly to be able to do. What is wrong with me???
My kids have needed my attention a lot lately. The baby is going through babyhood and needing lots of holding and cuddling. (He's trying to crawl. He's got the turning over down. It's all going too fast.) My little Annie is growing so much lately in her need and desire to learn things that I've been having to spend lots of time finding her things to keep her busy. She's learning her letters, and doing fantastic at it! And schooling Anthony and keeping him on task takes time as well. Add in the daily tasks, then the tasks that Kevin would do if he were here (like caring for the yard work, the lots and lots of yard work), the extra curricular activities and regular errands...well there's barely a free minute in the day. I haven't made anything in ages, and I'm a little bitter at times, I admit. But I know these other things needs my attention, and I love my kids and so will continue to do what needs to be done with the knowledge that it will one day be different.
I was overwhelmed by my own feelings toward my friends. I could recognize that my jealousy was ridiculous, and yet there I was feeling it anyway. What a problem! Admittedly I do need to take a few minutes each day to take care of "me", yes. However, what I was feeling was way over the top. I believe at times our vocation calls on us to be in places we don't like to be, perhaps as a test of our faithfulness to our calling and to help us delve deeper into our role in the "story of Love". Love isn't always lovely. Most often it's a choice. So do I have a choice to become un-jealous and un-envious of my friends who I love dearly and wish the best for? Of course.
It's a humbling experience. Putting my desires aside, perhaps in this situation it is my friends who need encouragement in their endeavors that they might succeed. Who am I to know what their own struggles might be. Against my natural inclinations I forced myself to look at the situation in a different light. I can fight that jealousy and win. I'm determined.
I'll put on my big girl shoes.