Saturday, January 30, 2010

Keep going!

Just a warning...herein I ramble on a lot:)

This morning I woke up and looked outside and there was frost everywhere. It looked sooooo cold. And then I remembered that I left one of my plants out there and ran out the backdoor to cover it with a blanket. It might be too late for that plant. We'll have to wait and see.

Lately I haven't been able to blog because I start writing something and then I start crying and can't continue. So I figure silence is better than things I might regret having said later on down the road. Suffice it to say I've been having a rough time. And I've got the postpartum depression thing going on again. I'm working through it though. It helps to take time for myself, even though that's really REALLY hard to do. Like I told my doctor at my check-up....I'm doing a really good job of pretending everything is fine because my kids need me to be here for them right now. Sort of like with the plant, I cover up in a blanket to keep the frost from taking over. And I know that this too shall pass.

I've been struggling with a lot of really big things that have forced me to think about stuff I wished I'd never have to. Someone once said that sometimes the best thing is to do nothing. I haven't done "nothing", rather I'm working on making me a better me. Isn't that the hardest thing to do? It's so much easier to look around and blame things on other people, when in fact it's often life changing to work things through yourself. It's sometimes painful and intimidating. I am the ultimate people-pleaser, and straying from that persona is almost physically painful. But in trying to become more of who I should be, I'm feeling more empowered. It's almost like a shade was taken away from my eyes. I still fear rejection, no doubt. But rejection so bad? And if I didn't like who I was before and it wasn't working for me, why continue? I want to be happy too.

Now the hard thing is to keep being happy with my own personal changes (and keep going) when someone else doesn't like them. Or rather, when someones else doesn't like me.

1 comment:

The Mavys said...

Love you, Celeste. You're a great mom! I don't know how you can do all that you're doing - having a new baby WITH help from my husband leaves me a wreck. You're a trooper!