It's been more than a month since Thomas was born. I can now look at that picture without feeling totally crushed. The pain is still so deep, but I can look at this picture tenderly, rather than trying to zoom myself back in time so that I can feel him in my arms. I do miss him. It's getting easier. I only think of him five thousand times a day now instead of ten thousand.
In just the few days since I've been working on making those tiny little hats the feeling of acceptance is happening within me. I think that's a good thing, right? Accepting is good. In a way it's like I get to take care of him by taking care of these other babies in this little tiny way. It's a good feeling. When I finished my first hat the other day I was looking at it to make sure that everything was right and that it would work correctly folded with a brim. Wow, I just burst out crying when the thought struck me who was behind my inspiration for it all. I hadn't thought so much about that, as I had thought about the need for them. I like to think he'd appreciate having one made for him. I can even make every single one of them for him, and just give them to another baby in his memory. It helps. It's all part of my therapy I think.
Good night, sweet dreams.