Monday, January 28, 2008

Lost in my own stuff.

I've been absent again. Sorry.

I've been sort of down lately. I've gained probably 20 lbs in the last two months. It's very depressing for me.

I also started to spiral into a depressed state last week when I menstruated for the first time in almost 3 years. Too much info, I know. Sorry. One more reminder of not being pregnant any more. Then this morning...of all things...I had a let-down and lost a few tablespoons of colostrum in the shower. They warned me at the hospital that my milk might come in and told me to wear a tight bra. One thing I've never been lacking in is a plethora of breast milk. I didn't think it would happen this late though. I'm not engorged. Just leaking. It's more annoying than anything, that I can't control what is happening with my own body. I would be in my sixth month of pregnancy so it's about right that I would start leaking. I would usually wake up in the mornings in my later months of pregnancy with a wet shirt from breast milk. Hopefully in time it will just dry up.

Everything is very much not over with regards to losing the baby. I have a few good days and then something like my milk coming in happens to remind me once again of my little guy. It's torturous. Thank goodness for the other kids to keep me busy and not let me get lost in my sadness.


I've talked with Kevin quite a bit. He's called almost everyday for the last week or so. It's been good to hear his voice. It's almost like he's back in Japan again. Except I know he's not! I'm glad he gets to call so often...

I'll be back again soon. Promise.

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