Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Learning patience and being understanding.

Today was our WIC appointment. I wasn't really looking forward to it as the office is always packed (with tiny babies that you just want to go and pinch their cute cheeks), the kids are always in their element of running around crazy like, and the wait can be extremely long.

Today was no different. I stopped at the Dollar Tree ahead of time and got the kids a few toys to play with. That helped with their crazy behavior. Still had to wait in the long line though.

My turn came and they asked all the usual questions about changes of address, blah blah blah. "And your due date is the same?..." Insert me attempting bravery. No tears. Suck it up. "No. My baby was still born." Everyone turned around and looked at me. I felt pitiful. That aside though, no one knew what to do with changes in the computer and to my checks etc. I guess that they hadn't had to deal with this scenario before. So they were learning things also. It was painful to have to stand there and be looked at and have more questions asked. I felt so bad for the lady behind me with her newborn baby, who was trying to avoid listening in on everything. They want me to get documentation from the doctor about what happened and when, etc.

I hate that. I don't want to have to. More awkwardness to be expected when I call the doctors office and explain what I need. I'm tempted to call over to the funeral home and ask for a copy of the one they have that replaced the death certificate, just to avoid having to call the doctors office. Everyone is dealing with life at the doctors office. That's what it's all about. That's what it's all about at the WIC office.

A big part of this whole thing is having to learn patience and understanding with other people when they don't know what to say, or how to deal with things. It's a very uncomfortable situation, I understand completely. And people end up saying things that are the complete opposite of comforting, though they are doing their best to try to comfort me or be understanding. It's not been uncommon for people to say that "maybe it was for the best" because "who knows what could have gone wrong later on". I understand wanting to avoid pain. But it doesn't make it any easier to have to deal with the loss. No time is ever enough when you lose a child. No matter what could have been wrong, you still love that child and want to keep him or her safe. We're not meant to outlive our children.

It still hurts. But I'm trying my best to remember that people just don't know what to say and are doing their best. Death is something that scares people. It's an unknown, and openly talking about it seems to not be kosher. It's ok. I still find myself getting angry sometimes when they say things that end up hurting, but I try to understand and be patient and just trust that maybe God is just asking that small thing of me right now--to be charitable to others when it's painful and uncomfortable for me.

Anyway...now they know at the WIC office that in cases of this they keep you on WIC for 6 months following the death of your child. That's very nice of them.

How am I doing all this aside? Ok. Everyday I wake up and do what I have to do. Routine is key. I have paranoia over losing Kevin, and the kids. Unreasonable paranoia of someone taking one of the kids when I turn the other way, or of getting in a car accident. Unreasonable things. I wake up multiple times a night to check on the kids, to just make sure they are ok. I've heard that these things get easier to handle with time. Though, with Kevin, I think the paranoia will be there until I see him again face to face. I don't think I've ever prayed so hard for someones safety before. I hope God is listening!

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