Saturday, December 29, 2007

Things are ok!

First, thank you for your kind words, friends. I appreciate them more than you know.

I do worry that someone (more than someone) will get tired of hearing about my experience. But there are millions of other places to go, people to read about, things in life to do...Right now, this is what I need. And I'll just accept that, which is hard for me being the people pleaser that I am:) And I've decided that I don't want this experience to go without some sort of good coming of it. I want to help other people through it. I haven't figured out how yet. But I'm praying on it.

I wanted to share that I got a clean bill of health yesterday. We did another ultrasound to make sure that everything is A-OK with my girly parts inside, and we were pretty pleased with the results. The before pictures and the after pictures greatly differed, with less blood flow to my uterus which is what we were hoping for. So--yay!

There have been a few things on my mind....One is that I found out that after the 1st of January anyone that has ever had a stillborn child in California can now go down to the county registrar and receive a Certificate of Still Birth for their child. What a comfort that is! An acknowledgment that our child did in fact live and die. We never received a birth certificate, nor a death certificate. And though I didn't really think much of it at the time...the fact that there was no acknowledgment of his existence really bothered me after the funeral. (Yes, I think of his Mass and Rosary as his funeral. It was closure for me that I needed. ) One of the hardest things for me lately has been that I have no way of sharing with others how beautiful he was. No one will ever know. It may seem strange, but I've found that others have done the same--we took pictures with him at the hospital. But we feel we need to keep those private for various reasons, some of which I'm guessing you can figure out. It would be easy to just go through life, and have no one ever know about him. But he was lovely, and I want that to be known.

The second thing is that when I mentioned the certificate info to Kevin, he all but jumped out of his chair and said "You can bet we're going to go get one!" Ok then! I've felt terribly for him because some at his work have been making little of this whole thing, basically stating that it wasn't really a person "just a fetus still". He was pretty darn upset by their lack of care about the whole thing. And that they refused to help financially even though others in similar situations have been helped, though they were farther along in the pregnancy. So it's giving to Kevin something that he needs too, and I'm glad for that.

So after the new year, we'll go and get that made up and put it along with some other mementos in the shadow box we're putting together in memory of Thomas.
Have I ever mentioned that I comfort-eat? Yeah, I do. What woman doesn't at some point in her life? :) I thought I'd gained a ton in the last few weeks, standing there with the fridge door open just absorbing the calories, and eating all the Christmas goodies. I made this cheesecake for Christmas....I think I ate half of it myself. Anyway, I was surprised when I weighed in yesterday at the doctor that I had actually lost rather than gained. Who woulda thought?! I was pleased and annoyed at the same time. I should be like 6 months pregnant. Not back down to my skinny pants. Hmm.

That also sort of pushed me into doing something that had been on my mind--putting away my maternity clothes. Shortly after everything happened, I got mad about not being able to fit in anything and literally emptied my drawers in a frantic crazy moment of frustration. Clothes in a big pile on the floor. Cool. The pile just got bigger. I didn't feel like touching them. But, this morning after I went for a walk, I actually felt ok about picking them up....folding them....putting them away in a rubbermaid tub. I was sad the whole time, but I needed to do it. It made me sadder to have to walk past that pile of clothes and know I wouldn't need them anytime soon. It's ok. Really. (Keep repeating that.) Kevin and I even talked about when I would use them again. It's a painful scary thought. Who knows what will happen. We have lots of time to think about it and plan. Who knows what plans God has up his sleeve for us.

Have a good weekend everyone.

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