Monday, July 24, 2006
Trying to stay above water.
The depression that I've had in the past seems to come back and smack me in the face every once in a while. When it hits I feel like I'm drowning, and running away is my natural instinct.
I stayed in all day because it was 109 in town, and I didn't want to take the kids out into the heat. I felt like I was going mad all day. I went from wanting to sob to being just numb.
When it was finally cool enough I took Anneliese with me to Walmart to get diapers. (Yes, only diapers! Amazing huh?) I was driving along thinking, "Wow...I wonder if anyone would be pissed if I just kept driving and didn't come home tonight?" If I'd had Anthony with me I just might have, and drove until I was too tired to drive anymore. I don't know where. I just felt like I wanted away. If I get away I'll feel better. But the truth is, I don't know if I would feel any better. I might just feel just as sad and lonely and numb as when I am here. Just in a different place. With different problems. Like paying for a hotel room.
There really isn't any reason to this post. I'm just observing my state of mind...
I wasn't able to go to sleep so I'm sitting here browsing through old recipes from when I was working. I miss work. I miss the people. I miss making food besides peanut-butter and jelly, and chicken and rice. I love food. I love making it, and changing it, and having someone enjoy it.
Sadly, last week, Thursday, was the highlight of my week. We went to a friends house for a BBQ and I made a salad. It was the only thing that did not have left-overs. Everyone raved. That was the highlight of my week. Seeing people appreciate my talent. Is that totally self-centered? Probably. Probably pretty desperate sounding too. At least we know I can make a mean salad, though. So if anyone out there is having a BBQ, invite me and I'll dazzle you all with my greens.