It's dreary out, and dreary within as well.
The day started out with the bus driver driving right past us and slowing down the street after she saw us, then she kept on driving. Nice! It's like people out here are missing a couple of screws. So I threw on some clothes and drove her to school real quick.
When I got back I started Anthony on his school work, which went ok for all of about 5 minutes. He just went into shut-down mode. First he cries. Then he hides and cries. Then when things get really bad, he hides in his bed and cries and inevitably goes to sleep. Today he fell asleep and slept until 4 pm. I tried to wake him several times. He wouldn't speak to me. He wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't uncover his head. You can't even reason with him when he's like that. I want to help him but he won't let me. It's exhausting. So today I just let him sleep. I get tired. We go through this or something similar almost everyday. I don't want him to fail, I don't want him to feel bad, I don't want to embarrass him (which he tends to think I am doing). I just want to help. But I get worn down, and sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel. But that's not going to fix anything either! Soldier on. Pretend nothing happened? So hard. He tends to go from the depressed stage to perfectly fine in about 2.06 seconds. It makes me feel cookoo.
As hard as it is the juggle the doctors appointments and the other kids, (Matthew is a whole other can of lets-see-if-mom-will-lose-it-today), I can't wait for this testing to get done. It will be such a relief to find out what is going on so I can get some help so that he can get some help.
The other day I commented that I don't feel like I'm qualified for all this sometimes. Actually, most times. I just wing it. And read up on stuff. And ask for help, which tends to sound very desperate most of the time. You know sometimes you see a baby waving both their hands in frustration or desperation with a look of panic? That's it! I'm good at keeping it under wraps though. No need to freak anyone out. The downside to keeping it on the down-low...when I do let it out it sounds rather dramatic. I hate that. I hate drama. It's a catch 22. No one wants to hear about your stress, but you can't just hold it all in either.
It's a balancing act which I am still figuring out....I'll let you know what I have arrived.