I heard something interesting today.
The people who surround you are a reflection of how you see life/the world/reality. So if the people that you surround yourself with are sad, depressed, jealous, angry, abusive, etc....this is how you are going to view reality. And this is what you make yourself believe you deserve.
This really struck me because...in abusive relationships there could be a fine line. Being in an abusive relationship so many things can manifest themselves, different emotions, behaviors, psychological issues. I struggle with so many issues from my disfunctional childhood...I know I only barely have touched on some things that are "not right". And I see that I can control some of these things, and some of them are subconscious. I guess my goal would be to start small and work my way up to surrounding myself with people I feel will love and respect me no matter what my "disfunctionality" might be. But also not be afraid to help me recognize "reality" as it really is and not as I just think it is.

This is something so big...so much bigger than who I am...that I have trouble trying to get my brain to wrap around it, and aknowledge it. I keep having to go over and over it in my head...

Having gone back and read my comment about being different...I realized that maybe I feel that way because the people I surround myself with are people who see me as different. Or maybe that is the "aura" I send out to people of how to see me. I'll have to work on my self image. Then perhaps after I have accomplished what I feel is necessary for me to feel comfortable with myself, my outside realtionships will begin to reflect that.
Perhaps my goal should first be to love myself wholely and completely. And then the rest will start to follow.

Just thinking out loud.